Aftermath-Stepping back into the world again

I never truly knew what it’s like to live with acute PTSD with severe anxiety & depression until I was already experiencing it and my therapist had to describe the ‘why’ behind all this pain and confusion.
-On a side note, this sadly speaks to every diagnosis out there and is why I’m an advocate for patients like me publicly sharing the entirety of what our daily lives are like. More on this in a later post.

Confusion, forgetfulness, and unrelenting anxiety describe where I am now. I’ve had to ask people to repeat things I would otherwise have remembered. Bright lights and noise nearly shut me down. What you may feel to be normal sounds or standard lighting become scrambled eggs in my brain to the point of panic attacks. I’ve struggled with how to explain what’s happening without sounding rude, and my therapist recently assured me it’s okay to say “I’m being treated for acute PTSD and my brain is over-stimulated right now. I need a break.” This looks like me closing my eyes and imagining green trees with singing birds around me, imagining a thunderstorm’s smell of rain pattering on the ground with thunder in the distance, or using noise-canceling earbuds with my fave meditation app.

I also took the opportunity to ride alongside my mom to visit family living in South Carolina and test being outside my ‘safe haven’ for more than a few hours. My niece and nephew are growing up so fast and are a joy to be around. My sister Amy is so understanding of my needs and makes sure I am okay. It isn’t easy feeling the noise that is just families being together, or that I needed an escape to the mall bathroom to cry, or that my brain was really struggling to keep up at times. ‘Feeling the noise’ isn’t just the fun side effect of a concert, but for me, normal background noise sends panic throughout my body. I expected much of this, but I know it was good for my body to share many great laughs, catch up on The Mandalorian, and give hugs and love so I could see outside my pain.

A huge frustration in the last month has been not being able to continue building a Lego set I’ve been dreaming of building for a few years now. My brain couldn’t process simple instructions for selecting bricks and piecing them together. But last night, I infused essential oils, picked a calming orchestral playlist, and was able to find peace in my mind in the few hours I spent constructing the Lego Space Shuttle Discovery.

Ending with Insta’s Snickers the Smiling Cat who keeps me smiling with “You’re gonna do great this week!” (turn off mute)

If you’re still reading, I am grateful. Please keep sharing!

If you are reading and experiencing PTSD, I’d love to hear from you in the comments about what helps you cope and move through your day.