Aftermath - Eleven Weeks Later

First, a huge thanks to everyone still subscribing during my break in writing.

My biggest takeaway after 11 weeks is how much pain and anxiety I still endure while beginning to truly understand I will need to manage this for the long haul. I am finally able to learn what techniques work for me in different situations, including some I will need when I am back in the workplace. Vagus nerve exercises found here and here are working for me when I am experiencing ‘fight, flight, or freeze’. (Side note-if cold immersion isn’t an option, I’ve found that placing a frozen bag of peas or corn on the top of my spinal cord brings almost immediate relief.)

I’ve met more people in my personal and professional circles who are dealing with the same diagnoses. Managing PTSD. Having or acting upon suicidal thoughts. Severe anxiety and not being able to function at times. And while I hate all of this is so common, it’s also necessary to have this common thread between us knowing that we have each other’s backs and can talk through our dark hours with few others able to understand.

In my continuing effort to put myself back into public spaces, I went to a baseball game this past week with a friend’s family. I knew ahead of the game that loud noises would be a problem for me and had explained my exit plan to my friend so his family wouldn’t be caught off guard. I think I made it to the 7th inning before realizing I had stayed much longer than I should have and began to have a breakdown in my seat. I excused myself and nearly ran out of the stadium exit and walked to my car in tears. At that moment, all I could think of was how angry I was that my brain has changed to the point that I have no idea when I’ll be able to enjoy sports and concerts as I once did.

This brings me to managing more feelings. Rage. Hate. Rage at the situation that led to this pain and hate for those who failed to stop it from happening. (Note: expressing these feelings is not aimed or meant to hurt anyone, but are very real feelings that have to be professionally processed with therapy.)

So, this week I plan to do 2 things to allow me the appropriate spaces to feel rage and then feed love back to myself. If you’ve never heard of them, I urge you to search out ‘rage rooms’ in your area. These are safe spaces wearing protective gear where people can throw dishes at floors or walls and smash things until their heart’s content! Once I can process through rage, I am wondering if I can then attempt a loving-kindness meditation to those who I feel both love AND hate towards. The next thing I plan to do is attend the Claude Monet Immersive Experience. I attended a Vincent van Gogh Immersive art experience last summer and it is truly a peaceful, relaxing, meditative, and joyful experience.

To everyone not experiencing any of this, you can help by reading up on trauma, PTSD, and other mental health illnesses. The more you know, the more you can reduce stigma, detect a person experiencing trauma and burnout, and know how to immediately step in. This link helped me understand what trauma has actually done to my brain and why I feel as if I have fallen apart. It’s a good read!

This next week will be another rough week. I will get through it. And I love every person, and my cats, who are going to be my rock this week.